If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device Wiki
If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device Wiki

"By Macharius' saggy marble-sack, could these weapon names be any more childishly grim?!"[1]

The Chronicler is an unnamed worker of the Imperial Palace that has been Shanghai’d Into performing various tasks directly for the Emperor.

TTS Canon[]

The Chronicler had been leading a tour group through the Imperial Palace, when he was psychically pulled into the throne room by The Emperor. He was made to read from the Dark Eldar codex to explain the various weapons that they carried. He stayed around in the throne room, providing some background banter while everyone else watched the Inquisition's progress in Commorragh.[1] Wamuudes was very annoyed to have him in the room due to his hatred for normal humans.[2]

The Chronicler's mind seemed to do poorly, partly due to the horribleness of the knowledge he was imparted with, and partly due to Magnus the Red's psychic presence when he returned. He even vomited blood when Wamuudes said "By my VICIOUSLY SLATHERED FORESKIN our brothers-in-law are now Orks!" He did however get to enjoy a bucket of chicken wings for his troubles.[2]

The Chronicler’s roleplaying character was a Norscan mercenary named Urban Hagflayer. He is extremely aggressive and brash, with great ambitions for conquering the weak and decadent southern lands, but had a very modest killcount during the game only to idiotically jump into a false portal made by The CSQ.[3]


  • "My mind is no fortress! It is an open pasture ravaged by internecine conflict - and chicken."[2]
  • "Or Gash-Slash-Weedstasha Banana-Slam-mam-tab-maram." (When asked to give an Orkish name for himself)[2]
  • "My spine has shattered upon the very concept."[2]
  • "Oh no."


The Chronicler is very loosely based on his voice actor, Oculus Imperia, who has a youtube channel detailing WH40K history.