If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device Wiki
If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device Wiki

The Fabulous Custodes are three members of the Adeptus Custodes that have completely lost their sanity and frequently harass Kitten.

TTS Canon[]

As Companions, the Fabulous Custodes served with the Emperor during the Great Crusade and Horus Heresy.[1]

The Fabulous Custodes are extremely hedonistic and obsessed with body oil and massages. While the Custodes nominally have shed their wargear to show that they are in mourning for the Emperor. The Fabulous Custodes use this as a pretext to strip down to their helmets and loincloths and to bathe in promethium.[2] Despite being able to physically overpower the Captain-General, whom the Fabulous Custodes call "Little Kitten". They're also quite unintelligent and ignorant of the politics of the Imperium. They also hate Slaanesh's empire of debauchery despite their own obvious hedonism, much to the Emperor's confusion.[3]

The Emperor finds the Custodes to be utterly disgraceful, as they spend more time lubricating their abs, or as Custodisi admits, each other's abs,[4] than putting their skills to good use and serving the Imperium at large. He also finds their behavior disturbing, and can't stand to be in their presence.[1]

The Fabulous Custodes managed to steal the position of Emperor's Caretaker from Kitten after they made a deal to help him stop Magnus' rampage (though in the end, they were completely ineffectual).[5] They prove to be quite inadequate at the job, however, as none of them are as knowledgeable as Kitten. The Emperor had already realized that they lied to him by the time Magnus returned to Terra, admonishing them for their gross incompetence and deceitful ways.[6]

Two of them, Custodisi and Wamuudes, accidentally discover that there is a safe passage through the Webway gate that leads directly to the Black Library, where they speculate Kitten learned everything he knows.[7] However, they are confronted by Cegorach, who mistakes them for Solitaires. Both of them are too horrified to move, until Ephrael Stern gives them the distraction they need to enter the library and bring back some books for the Emperor - who forces them to listen to him as he reads them out loud.[8]


Karstodes is the Shield-Captain of the group, despite the fact that he is illiterate and a complete moron. However, he is also the most fanatically loyal of the three, harshly rebuking even the slightest criticism of the Emperor.[9] He typically belittles or insults others, namely Boy, Rogal Dorn and even Kitten. Like Wamuudes, he seems to dislike ordinary humans, calling Boy 'thing' and taking many opportunities to insult him even when Boy isn't doing anything.[9] However, he is not genocidal like Wamuudes and even points this out to his fellow Custodes.[10]

This name-calling is likely to compensate for his own failings such as his inability to read, as he tends to push criticism away and onto others. Karstodes attempted to learn to read and was even able to cite obscure knowledge from tomes collected from the Black Library, but the Emperor continued to belittle his intelligence.[6] Karstodes had tried to research Ian Watson's book Inquisitor but ended up reading Harry Potter by mistake; not only was he devastated to learn that he had been reading the wrong book, but that it was entirely fictional as well.[11]

Karstodes is also relatively unimaginative, creating a generic peasant character named Rolf for the Roleplay game. Karstodes was able to aid the other players in defeating the Gorger Lord through quick thinking, but otherwise did little during the game.[12] As of Episode 28 he has realized that he has been a terrible Custode and even worse Brother to Kitten, prompting him to renounce his position of Caretaker and take his duties more seriously. It has been shown that he does, in fact, hold Kitten in high regard, if his comments of how the latter handled himself in Mars are anything to go by.

During Boy's interview/interrogation of their daily routine. Karstodes broke through a nearby wall to retrieve Boy due to them being late for another Voxcast. This act shows Karstodes is slowly growing to like Boy more since he goes as far as to congratulate Boy for killing the interrogating Vox-caster by kicking him in the shins and smashing him over the head with his vox cast until he bled out.


Custodisi is described as the least interesting of the three by the Emperor.[7] He is marginally more sane and well-grounded, but is also prone to fits of rage when provoked by the Emperor's hypocrisy.[10] He is the only member of the Fabulous Custodes who has some measure of facial description, with an apparent 'ravishing mustache' and also admits to liking bikes. He also lusts after Magnus the Red, [7] to the point where the Emperor had to slap him with a restraining order.[13] It got so bad that when he suggested that he and Magnus should engage in some "wincest", the Emperor psychically banished him from the throne room,[6] where he ended up in the Warhammer Fantasy universe and became lord of an Ogre clan named the Gorger Lord.

Custodisi was desperate to return to his brothers, and most of all to Magnus, who was ironically controlling his actions as the Games Master. Although at first, he effortlessly rebuked the attacks of the player characters of the Emperor and his retinue and killed several of them, through some profoundly unlikely rolls from his own battle-brother Wamuudes, Custodisi was ultimately soundly defeated. In the end, he lost an arm, got covered in dung, set on fire, and was thrown into a pit by the Emperor's party.[12]

He would later nonchalantly reappear in the throne room, having cleaned up and gotten an augmetic replacement for his lost arm, although still wearing his gorger-lord gear. He would however almost immediately leave (rather enthusiastically) to guide Magnus to the Black Library.


Wamuudes is described as the creepiest of the Custodes, and is covered in so much body oil that he doesn't walk so much as slide around.[7] He also despises normal humans and wants to become an Inquisitor so he can bombard hive cities with cyclonic torpedoes. When admonished by the Emperor for this, he shouted "Don't kink-shame me!"[10] He is also terrified of clowns, especially the Harlequins and Cegorach.[8] Wamuudes' roleplay character was Wamri le Savoureux, a Bretonnian Knight; he was able to sever the Gorger Lord's arm by sheer luck, but otherwise contributed to the party's overall terrible luck.[12] His own Podcast reveals a lot of his, surprisingly deep, point of view (Including the fact that he of all people holds Rogal Dorn in high regard, in spite of having met him). Also, the fact that he can actually take his job as Caretaker rather seriously. And finally, his lack of empathy is actually given serious thought "My job is not to care" which being strict, is actually true.


  • The Custodes half-naked appearance and debauchery is an exaggeration of their appearance in Rogue Trader, having “shed their wargear” to a literal degree.
  • They are sometimes known as the Fab-stodes, or the Pillar-stodes, as their character models and names are based on the Pillar Men from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. Every time they appear, an arrangement of the Pillar Men's theme song Awaken plays. Individually, they are named after the characters Kars, Esidisi, and Wamuu.
    • Yet for some reason, reactors on YouTube keep mistaking them for characters from Fist of the North Star despite the obvious.
  • Custodisi's new hand is probably yet another JoJo reference, as it resembles Joseph Joestar's robotic hand after losing his original hand to Kars; they also both lost their left hands.
  • Incidentally Wamuudes' apparently strong lungs are referential to Wamuu's wind abilities.