"I HAVE ESCAPED THE CLUTCHES OF HELL TO CRUSH TO PASTE WHATEVER FOUL FHAKKEN ELVES THAT STEPS IN MY PATH"
Urist Boatmurdered is a dwarf from the Warhammer Fantasy universe that originated in Karl the Deranged's video "Ravandil's Quest." He is best known for his tirades of very creative insults and threats made to various elvish characters. He makes a brief cameo in If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device. Despite his general surliness, Urist can become suddenly polite when he's satisfied that he's thoroughly destroyed his target.
Ravandil's Quest[edit | edit source]
Ravandil runs into the surly Dwarf during his adventures, and is repeatedly insulted and berated for his troubles. Because Ravandil simply walked around Urist, Urist laid a grudge upon Ravandil, causing him to be violently murdered. After Ravandil was resurrected, Urist agreed to follow Ravandil around as the only thing he hates worse than elves are skaven, and continued to insult others on his behalf, until Urist decided to leave the party to avoid getting murdered in Skavenblight. Urist later decides to destroy Ravandil's glowing rock for no apparent reason, for which he is rewarded by the Dwarf king, and they celebrate while their hold is under siege by goblins.
TTS[edit | edit source]
Leman Russ summoned Urist Boatmurdered during his game of 20 questions with the Dark Eldar, as the answer to the second word he thought of. Leman convinced Urist to attack the Dark Eldar, though he didn't need much convincing. Urist proceeded to verbally tear down the Drukhari, and when one of them dejectedly asked to please end his suffering, Urist took him literally and threw him overboard from the skiff, while beating him to death as he was falling.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
- "ALRIGHT, LISTEN TO ME YOU KNIFE-EARED PIECE OF SHIT! IF YOU GO ANY FURTHER WITH YOUR PISS-STAINED PUBIC HAIR YOU CALL A WIG, I'M GONNA WRECK YOUR SHIT SO HARD THAT YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO WALK WITH YOUR LIMP DICK! I'M GONNA SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR SHAVEN PERFECT LITTLE ASS THAT YOUR BREATH IS GONNA SMELL LIKE MY SHOE POLISH! THEN I'M GONNA TAKE THAT LITTLE RED ANAL BEAD ON YOUR BELT, AND PUSH IT IN YOUR FACE! I'M GONNA FLAGELLATE YOU WITH MY FUCKING BEARD! I'M GONNA BUILD YOU A PAIR OF RUNIC MECHANICAL BALLS, AND USE SURGICAL PRECISION TO SEW THEM TO YOUR GROIN WHERE YOUR MANHOOD OUGHT TO BE, JUST SO I CAN KICK THEM WITH MY IRON FUCKING FEET! YA TWAT!"
- "ALRIGHT! LISTEN TO ME YOU POLE-PROPORTIONED DENDROPHILES! IF YOU TRY ANYTHING NASTY WITH BITCHBOY OVER HERE, I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR FUCKING ARROWS, AND SHOVE THEM INBETWEEN YER POLISHED FINGERNAILS! I AM GOING TO TAKE THAT BOWSTRING OF YOURS, AND STRING YOU UP BY YOUR FUCKING FORESKIN, UNTIL GRAVITY GIVES YOU A BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION, AND PLAY IT LIKE A FUCKING VIOLIN! I'M GOING TO HEADBUTT YOU UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING BUT A BUTT LEFT! I'M GOING TO COLOR THAT LITTLE PANSY GREEN SKIRT OF YOURS RED, USING YOUR FUCKING BONE MARROW! YOU BETTER BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO WISH THAT YOU WERE NEVER BORN, CAUSE I'LL MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU NEVER WERE, YE ATROCIOUS FUCKIN' BOIL ON THE FACE OF REALITY!"
- "LISTEN HERE YA SPIKE-COCKED, TAR-EYED, PLANK-SHAPED, SEWER-ASSED RODENT ANALOGUES! I'M GONNA SHEAR THAT THIN FILM OF SLIME YOU CALL A SKIN FROM YER SPINDLY HUSK AND MAKE A FUCKING RAINCOAT OUT OF IT! I'M GONNA SLAM MY FISTS DOWN YOUR THROAT, RIP YER INKY INNARDS OUT AND STITCH A LEATHERY SACK OUT OF EM! IM GONNA SAW YER WEE LEGS OFF AND TURN YEOUR HOLLOW LEGBONES INTO FUCKING FLUTES! I'M GONNA CRAFT A MAKESHIFT BAG PIPE OUT OF THE RANCID MATERIALS I HAVE HARVESTED FROM YER TWITCHING BODIES, AND I'M GONNA COME AROUND AND PLAY A NICE TUNE AT YER FUNERAL CEREMONIES! BEFORE I PISS ON YER FUCKING GRANDMA!!!!"
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Urist's name is largely a reference to the game Dwarf Fortress, as "Boatmurdered" is the name of a particularly infamous deathtrap of a Dwarven city.