If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device Wiki
If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device Wiki

Despair, for a TTS-verse TTRPG Show is Coming - Introducing WarHams-0

More information can be found here at the dedicated WarHams wiki. Yes, we’re spinning off wikis now. Blame Alfa.

WarHams is a spinoff show of If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device. It is based around gameplay of the Warhammer 40,000 roleplaying game, Wrath & Glory, and is set as a side-story in the BRO TRIP 40,000 story arc.

The players are TTS voice actors, and the Games Master is Thurston Hillman, a tabletop industry veteran. The characters are members of the Officio Ambassadorium, with the players tasked in earning favor and acquiring resources in the BRO TRIP crusade. Gameplay sessions are streamed live on ZoranTheBear's Twitch channel, and are later edited and uploaded to his Youtube Channel, with the first five episodes located on Alfabusa's main Youtube channel. Audio-only podcasts are also available. Sessions are bimonthly on Saturdays and last for three hours. Highlights may be animated as their own segments.

They have a website at warhams.tv.

Players Characters
SpeakerD π-Braine, Skitarri
HulkyKrow Captain Zedek, Rogue Trader
Earndil Reeb Van Horne, Inquisitor Acolyte

(Ordo Xenos)

ZoranTheBear Lorn, Sanctioned Psyker

The Story So Far (Warning: Spoilers)[]

Farthum IV Arc (Episodes 1-3)[]

Shortly after the events of BroTrip #3, The WarHams crew take the Sword-class frigate Debt Collector, Captian Zedek's ship, to the agri-world of Farthum IV. Under the orders of Minister Moderatum Katje Van Noord, they are to find the previous Officio Ambassadorium delegation and collect food supplies and 1,000 souls for the Vulkan/Corax "BroTrip" Crusade, with the promise of "bonus points" should they also locate a chef for Van Noord's ship. Upon touching down on Farthum IV, they meet some farmers and discover the planet is entirely populated by Ratlings, who direct them to the nearby town of Happy Feastings. After interrogating the mayor of Happy Feastings, a small Ratling child pipes up to announce that the nearby "Grumble Tum-Tum Farm" is under attack by monstrous boar-like creatures known as Geraldines, and that the best BBQ chef in the southern hemisphere resides there. The delegation, realizing this is an opportunity to gain the coveted bonus points, grab the child and have him guide them to the Farm, whereupon they engage and defeat the pack of Geraldines and Geraldinelets, taking the tusk of one and giving it as a trophy to the Ratling child, now renamed Tater Tot. They then make for the planetary capital, and crash their shuttle, and with it their long-range communications. They then sneak themselves, Tater Tot, and Captian Zedek's new Mashed Potato Platoon into the city with the help of a ratling by the name of Belba Creepfoot. Upon entering the city, they quickly discover some ratling nobles living the life of luxury, and an underground complex. Inside this complex they solve the mystery of the previous Oficio Ambassadorium delegation - a preacher from the Adeptus Ministorum, now the very long-legged Divine Lord of Fervor, a chiurgeon, now the Divine Lord of Science, trying to cure the Ratling shortness (with mixed results), a Catachan Guardsman, now the (morbidly obese) Divine Lord of War, and an Enginseer, now deceased and buried outside of town, along with the former delegation's ship and equipment. After respectivley defeating, capturing, and defeating the Divine Lords, they emerge from the complex to discover that the capital is beset by ratling cannibals. They flee towards the remnants of the Divine Lord's ship, and hold off waves of crazed Ratlings while π-Braine gets the communicator working, Zedek calls in an orbital strike, and shortly thereafter Reeb manages to resurrect the Enginseer (albeit in critical condition). It is then revealed that the ratlings were driven cannibalistic by the psyker Sleigherburgo d'Fuckreby XXIV, the leader of the expedition to the northern hemisphere of Farthum IV in order to make his team look better than team WarHams.

Septic Tank Arc (Episode 4)[]

En route to Scargaris Prime, π-Braine starts killing engineering crew and Lorn starts trying to find out who is killing the engineering crew. Zedek calls a meeting of the delegation to go into the septic system of the Debt Collector to find the source of a filthy smell permeating the entire ship. π-Braine is promoted to Chief of Security, with a condition from Zedek's second-in-command, Lt. Ransum, that he not investigate the senior staff. Along the way, π-Braine names Belba Creepfoot his "Chef of Security" with a mandate to investigate the senior staff. They then receive a message from the onboard Astropath, informing them that the main body of the crusade has taken a detour to the Ghoul Stars region, a mandate from their astropath to bring him more weaponry. After running into the resident enginseer GaMu-4224, (who immediately starts a rivalry with π-Braine), the delegation then moves into the septic system, defeats some mutated creepy-crawlies, and clears a large blockage made of disposed bodies, before returning to their quarters.

Scargaris Prime Arc (Episodes 5-8)[]

Upon arriving in-system, the delegation receive their orders from Minister Van Noord. Scargaris Prime has dropped off the Imperial map for millennia, and the delegation is to establish relations with the planet and determine how they will pay 10,000 years of back-taxes. Upon landing and meeting the planetary governor, they quickly discover the planet is split along religious lines - the white, anemia-worshipping ruling class, and the red, blood-gorging Bloodback group. π-Braine, recognizing that this planet has Great Crusade-era equipment, whisks the gang down to the underhive, where Lorn establishes relations with the gang known as the "Lower Toads" by claiming they are of the "Upper Toads" gang, and asks for escort to the Crusade-era Mechanicum facility in the underhive. Upon arrival, the delegation finds that the facility is still active, and periodically transmits to a secret outpost on the moon of Scargaris Prime. Taking a shuttle to the moon, the gang discover a servitor that only reacts when asked questions in song, the servitor then provides directions to the outpost's command center. The delegation is soon waylaid by a trap that separates them into soundbooths and plays them all music designed to irritate them. Zedek's booth, however, is busted, and opens onto a corridor occupied by a hostile servitor with advanced sonic technology. Lorn quickly breaks the rest of the group out of their booths, and they engage the servitor with little-to-no avail. They then flee through the base, entering a room containing a "friendly warp creature" by the name of Shawn. Shawn informs them that his room is laced with noise-cancelling technology capable of nullifying the servitor's sonic tech. After using this tech to destroy the servitor, the gang leaves Shawn's cell and make for the control center. They soon discover a hallway filled with bodies uniformed in the manner of the Adeptus Administratum - the prior collectors of imperial tithes, directed here by the nobles of Scargaris Prime and killed by the base's sonic tech. In the control center, along with recordings of the nobles watching the previous delegations be hunted, is a cryo-pod containing a critically injured Space Marine - from the Heresy. After freeing the marine, they learn his name - Captain Kaldaius of the Blood Angels, working under orders from Malcador the Sigillite - and inform him of the myriad developments during his sleep. Promising him revenge, they return to the Debt Collector and engage with Scargaris Prime's orbital defense grid before storming Hive Tzarcanin and taking prisoner the planetary governor. With the arrival of Minister Van Noord, the gang settles the fate of the planet - immediate law enforcement and governance will fall to the Lower Toads, advised both by an advisor from Forge World Anvilus, and by a copy of Captian Zedek's book on etiquette. (Naturally, the book is titled Zediquette.) The planet will then be strip-mined for its resources, and delegations from the Inquisition and the Adeptus Mechanicus will "clean house" and scout the planet for worthiness of being paved over to become either an independent Forge World or a subsidiary of Forge World Anvilus. Finally, Minister Van Noord will be taking custody of Captian Kaldaius so he may be immediately transported to the Primarchs. (!)

Shady Rock Arc (Episodes 8-9)[]

This settled, the delegation receives their newest assignment - the xenoarcheological outpost on the dead-world of Shady Rock has transmitted an emergency communique asking for assistance with their find. The delegation proceeds there with all haste, and arrive to find that Shady Rock is an ocean world with a single, fog-covered landmass. Upon landing, they find not a dig site, but a settlement hundreds of years old, and make their way to a bar, mysteriously populated with a skittari bartender that serves really good free beer, and patrons that won't say anything but "Times are Great!". Upon some poking around, they find an old woman on the pier who weakly implores them to find "the big fish", and a mysterious Mr. Melkior, who Reeb immediately recognizes as Ordo Xenos Inquisitorial Lord Melkior. The delegation puts them both in the shuttle for safekeeping. They then investigate Town Hall, where the mayor informs them that the settlement has in their collective basements sufficient materiel for 500 years of tithing. The delegation then moves to investigate the dilapidated void-hardened outpost, where they find documentation proving that all the townsfolk were at one point part of the xenoarchological dig, and below the waterline they discover a void-hardened rover containing a dataslate belonging to Sleigherburgo d'Fuckreby XXIV. Taking this rover below the waves, they come upon an underwater air-filled cavern containing various vox-logs belonging to the Magos, and a suspiciously black-and-green structure filled with little bity robot bugs. Deeper in the structure, they find a large pyramid which, when opened, dispenses a small wrought cube containing a very big bity robot bug with a shark fin taped to its back. Defeating the robot bug, the team then discovers that the magos investigating the structure was seemingly betrayed by d'Fuckreby XXIV, who trapped the large bug in the cube before leaving.

The Cursed Episode (Episode 10)[]

The delegation spend some fitful nights aboard the Debt Collector en route to their next destination, plagued by nightmares, a warp storm following the ship, and the occasional patricidal beard. They meet, and π-Braine shares his concerns that the cause of their nightmares is 34R, the skittari bartender from Shady Rock, and his "dream water". Seeking answers, the gang goes to visit the navigator, an old woman who seems to live on a sliding scale from "fatalistic" to "suicidal". She advises them to talk to someone more familiar with the inner societal workings of the ship, which leads the gang to contact the Chef of Security, Belba Creepfoot. Belba briefs them on the tribes that have formed among the crew of the lower decks - the "mystery meat"-avid Beef Kings, the suicidal Prometheum Huffers, and the helpful and/or insurrectionist Ga-Mu's Debuggers - as well as a fourth, secretive group known as the "Servori Fevorum". Belba advises the crew where they can find this fourth group - Cargo Bay #7, recruiting some stowaways - and the delegation goes to meet them. In the cargo bay, the delegation happen upon a few stowaway Bloodbacks, who inform them that the lower deck gangs have actually been fighting over Tater Tot, and offer them some boot-hats so they may proceed into the meeting of the Servori Fervorum unmolested. Much to their suprise, the meeting is taking place inside a chapel, filled to the brim with boot-donning ratlings. After some thought, the gang realizes that this chapel is built into a septic tank. The high priest soon begins preaching, and reveals that, with the lighting of a central brazier and the immolation of an "artifact", their ritual will be completed, and they will all be in "the presence of divinity". Worried the "artifact" is, in fact, Tater Tot, the delegation breaks cover to put a stop the ritual. However, the brazier is lit, and the artifact is revealed to actually be π-Braine's gold-plated femur from Farthum IV, the immolation of which summons nothing other than the ghost of the Divine Lord of Fervor himself! One brawl and one cameo/curse from Cegorach later, the ghostly Lord is dispersed, the warp storm dissipates, and the chapel, unsupported by the heretical sorcery, is crushed by a flood of sewage.

Additional chapters are available on the Story page at the WarHams wiki.

"Tribes of the Debt Collector" Living Campaign[]

A spinoff of the spinoff of the spinoff of the parody, the Tribes of the Debt Collector is a series of living campaigns where viewers can influence the events of the show by playing 40k (8th, 9th, and Killteam) and reporting their results. The overview, rules, and FAQs of the campaigns can be found here, and participants will need to join ZoranTheBear's discord, which can be found here.

Tribe Bios[]

The Beef Kings[]

Beef Kings logo.png

When you want it, fresh off the grill!

The Beef Kings formed after Uncle Hej Hej Swinetooth decided to host a cookout on the Lower Decks. Many of the Debt Collector’s residents soon fell into a near euphoric “meat coma” where they subsequently became obsessed with the concept of cooking and the acquisition of “meat”. Now, these poor unfortunate souls spend their days scrounging the lower levels of the ship for any and all sources of meat they can find.

This band of dedicated meat enthusiasts form together in tight communities. They routinely refute being labelled as little more than rabid cannibals! After all, they painstakingly and precisely debone, render, marinate, and spice their “specially acquired meats” before offering them for sale in their lower deck BBQs.

The Prometheum Huffers[]

Prometheum Huffers Logo.png

It is said that if a soul were to venture deep within the capillaries of the Debt Collector, one could find a paradise utterly free from want, care, or toil. This is mostly said by the Promethium Huffers to idiots, who they then beat up and rob. There is no currency in 'Huffer dens', no barter system, and thus they stand to gain nothing from these robberies. This violence is without purpose, for as their name suggests the Promethium huffers huff promethium, an activity as stupid as it is lethal.

Yet to some half-lifed Huffpriests, there is secret wisdom behind their culture of neural degeneracy. That by destroying themselves, they might be elevated to a transcendent state of 'batshit consciousness', and thus be free of all worldly concerns for a time, then immediately die. It is nothing short of a nihilistic death cult. To the Huffers, there is no special significance given to Promethium as an idol or token of worship. Instead, it is inhaled for the simple reason that it deprives the ship of a resource it desperately needs. The inevitable death that follows shortly thereafter is seen as incidental.

Of course, were any Promethium Huffers lucid enough to explain their cause in detail, they'd be immediately killed by their fellows. The mere lack of purpose in itself, the purpose.

And then they would explode because they huff Promethium.

Ga-Mu's Debuggers[]

Ga-Mu's Debuggers Logo.png

In the many side-tunnels and ductways snaking through the fuming heart of the Debt Collector, there exists a dearth of technologically-minded people whose lives are often spent wiring, re-wiring, and attending to the various cogitators and misplaced databanks that dot the areas surrounding the abode of the Enginseer.

For her part, Ga-Mu has cultivated these people (whether with beneficent or self-centered intent), and given them a title to bear upon their shoulders as her personal cadre of tech-menials. They consider it a mark of honor to work under her guidance as they toil in the stygian arteries of their void-bound home, and happily tout the virtues of her forgeworld, whistling and singing as they carry out their dangerous tasks.

However, only those whom Ga-Mu trusts with the very delicate task of assisting her in her Omnissian Rites can truly be called Ga-Mu's Debuggers.